flawed thinking...

I thought I needed you to be this.
I was already this; it seems.
I really love being this.

I didn't know I would have the courage to be this alone.
Maybe alone was the only way to find this in myself.
Maybe alone was the only way for others to find this in me.

I thought I needed you.
I didn't.
I am.
This.

Sad...

I was thinking about sad today.  Sad is really soft.  It's the slow lazy river of the emotions.  There is no energy to it.  No up and down waves.  It's just soft and slow and calm.  The biggest action it takes is to make you spring leaks. 

I was sad today.  I don't get that way often.  In fact, it's been so long since I was sad that I had to think about it for a while to figure out what it was.  I gave up sad a long time ago.  I still do the rest of the emotional range but sad is just so... non-productive.  So... pointless.  So... pitiful. 

Anger is sharp.  It bites.  It stings.  It has purpose and reason and an objective. 

Worry is nagging.  It grips.  It pinches.  It hangs on your mind like a leach. 

Fear is intense and gripping and spiking and squeezing.

Anticipation is pulling and wishing and hoping.

After I thought about all these for a while, I remembered the one I love the most.

Joy.  Happiness.  Wonder.

So I reached for my joy.  I stopped the leak.  The leak is from an old sadness anyway.  Life is so full of wonder.  There is no need to reach back for sad.  Sad is so lacking in every purpose.   

locked away

The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.
 - Stephen King

psalms

Prayer 1:
Dear God,
I really really want the $100,000 painting I saw at the art exhibit Saturday night. I really really want it. Didn't you tell me I could have anything I wanted? Didn't you say you loved me? Didn't you say all I had to do was pray and what I wanted would come to pass as long as I had faith? God, I know you want me happy. I would be so happy if you would just give me that painting. I can't, in a gazillion years afford to buy it for myself but you could just drop it in my lap and I would be so good for so long. Maybe I'll snag one of those interest free finance contracts and go ahead and get it. What's a little more debt when you are my GOD?  You'll figure out a way to pay for it... or rather, for me to pay for it.

Here's the deal God. I would help more people and I would go to church and I would start watching my temper and I would make sure I was more available to those who need me and I would tell people over and over that YOU are responsible for me having that $100,000 painting and I would write a new story about my God who gives me everything I want and I would... Well, God. You get the idea. I really really really really really want it. It would look so good over my $30,000 couch in my $1,000,000 home with my $80,000 cars parked outside and people would really think I was something if I had that $100,000 painting.

Well, thanks. I'll be looking for it to appear. Because I know you love me. Thanks for the stuff. Oh, and please be with all my family and friends and forgive me for not always doing exactly what you want me to and Amen and all that.


Prayer 2:
Dear Lord,
Please help me out of the financial situation I find myself in. Please Lord. You said I could have anything I want. You said you loved me. You said I was your child and my debt and my house and my cars and my status are important to me. Soo... please drop a great big bag of money on the side of the road so I can get things taken care of. Please put it in a blue duffel bag so I'll know it when I see it. I'll need to put it in the bank pretty quickly. What's that Lord? A sign? Drive down Angel Valley Lane at 6:00 in a green shirt with my silver cross pendant hanging out for all the world to see and look for the great big bag of money around the second curve? Is that what you want me to do Lord? Okay Lord. But you know I normally eat dinner around 6:00. Are you sure you said 6:00? Okay, Lord. I'll change my dinner hour just to please you. See what lengths I'll go to?

Thanks for the food and shelter and stuff. Oh, and please be with all my family and friends and forgive me for not always doing exactly what you want me to and do world peace and Amen and all that.


Prayer 3:
God,
There must be some step I'm not taking. I'm sorry I'm so stupid. There's some magical mystery something that you want me to do before you take this mess away and I'm just not getting the message. Give me a better sign God. You know how dense I am sometimes. I pray in the shower and it's all steamy in there so if you really really want me to know what to do to make all this hardship go away, write it in the steam in the shower curtain. Please God. I've been begging and waiting and asking for so long now. I'm very close to losing all my STUFF. I know you wouldn't want me to have to lose my STUFF God. I really really really want my STUFF. I know you wouldn't want me to have to go through all that. Just tell me plainly what it is you want me to do to make this tough time be over. Tell me. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.

Thanks for the foodandshelterandstuff. Oh, and please be with all my family and friends and forgive me for not always doing exactly what you want me to and Amen andallthatwithworldpeace.


Prayer 4:
God,
I am desperate! What do you want from me? Am I not doing things the way you want me to? Am I not staying in prayer and church and keeping my heart humble and am I not telling people everyday that I would be nothing without you? Am I not being an example of pious servitude? Am I not doing things in a Christian way?

Why God? Why do you make me suffer this way? There are piles of bills in the mail everyday and the phone won't stop ringing with mean collection people and I can't afford to go get my nails done today. You're not keeping your promises! Why can't you go ahead and give me a way to get out of the mess I'm in without having to lose anything? Why can't you strike down my enemies and make anyone who has ever hurt me pay me great big sums of money to make it better? Can't you see that I've forgiven them God? Can't you see that even though I was blameless, they persecuted me anyway? Why would you let them get away with that God? Why? I hold no ill feelings in my heart God. They just need to get what's coming to them. You know that's only fair.

Amenandallthat.

Prayer 5:
My Sweet Father,
This parking lot is still warm from the sun. It seeps up into the holes in my shoes. Thank you for that. It's cold out tonight. There is the sweet smell of someone baking on the wind. I remember days when that came from my own kitchen and it makes me smile. Thank you also for that lady who stopped and gave me food. I was so hungry. She must know you. The blanket I found here yesterday is just right too Father. You are so good to me.

The stars are beautiful tonight. They are peeping from behind the clouds in winks and starts. I have a great view. Thank you for helping me find the shelter of this old building, so I can stay dry if the clouds win out and it rains.

Father, I have known such extremes in this life. I have been hungry. I have been dirty. I have been cold. I have been wealthy and had so much. I have been from the heights of want to the depths of need. And you, dear Father, have provided my needs. Every single time. You have taught me that not everything I wanted was what you wanted for me. I lost all my stuff Father. But it was only stuff. It's importance has diminished so much.

Thank you for taking care of the ones I love Father. Thank you for keeping them from losing and if a sacrifice is needed, please let it be me. Please don't ever make them have to sit under your stars and hope for food.

Please be with us all Father. You are the air we breath, the health in our bodies, and the light in our souls. You are the music of leaves rustling and branches creaking and birds tucking in for the night.

Thank you for another day Father. Amen.
 - Deb Parker

Father's Day

Psalm 30: 11-12
You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.

Psalm 27: 13-14
I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

rules of engagement

God loves me.  God gives me rules.  God loves me and gives me rules.  God loves me, gives me rules, and allows me to suffer the consequences of my own choices.  God loves me, gives me rules, allows me to suffer the consequences of my own choices, and holds me while I hurt.  God loves me, gives me rules, allows me to suffer the consequences of my own choices, holds me while I hurt, and heals my heart so I can once again be given the rules and a set of choices.

God loves me.

Well, why did He give me free will then?  Why did He give me weaknesses?  Why does He allow me to keep messing up? 

So... eventually, I'll first draw closer to Him when I have choices.
 - Deb Parker

stupid things

I have come to the conclusion that there should be a limit on the number of stupid things one person can do.

After a set number of stupid things, each person should have a light installed. A big red one right in the middle of his or her forehead. That light should flash continuously from the time they do the last allowable stupid thing until the day they die. It would serve, not only as a reminder to them, but as a public service announcement to all the people they come in contact with.
 - Deb Parker

illusive comfort

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away .
- George Eliot

impossible things

There is no use trying, said Alice; one can't believe in impossible things. I dare say you haven't had much practice, said the Queen. When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why sometimes, I've believed in as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
- Lewis Carroll

becoming real

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When [someone] loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

"[Someone] made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.
 - Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Sometimes it is necessary
To reteach a thing its loveliness.
 - Galway Kinnel, St. Francis and the Sow

affected

I sit alone, writing my thoughts. I do a quick internal check to see how things stand. I am pretty pleased with the way my life is going. My job is good. My home is nice. I have a new project I'm about to tackle so challenges continue to present themselves.

There's only one thing missing. It's a person, actually. I don't know his name or what he does for a living. I don't know where he lives or what his life has been like. He will be less than perfect just like me. He will know me and love me. He will allow me to create and be. He will not be afraid of my intensity. He will tell me when I'm wrong and argue with me when I'm obstinate. We will take each other for granted in the most kind and loving ways. We will be amazed and amused by each other. We will share passion. And we will share peace.

I thought I met him once, but that man was not affected.

So I continue to sit alone, writing my thoughts, doing internal checks of my life and generally staying pretty pleased with the way things are going.
 - Deb Parker

the body, the brain and the heart

I can not even pretend that my body, my brain and my heart are not dependent on each other. It would be nice, I think, to be able to separate them at times.

In some people's lives, the body maintains itself and satisfies its desires with only the brain telling it how to function, react and behave. Somehow, in those lives, the heart is not affected. It is closed off and leans blissfully in a corner while the brain manipulates the body. The brain doesn't use emotion or other insubstantial things. It just uses logic and calculation. There must be some satisfaction in that detachment.

My heart is always affected. Every time. By every thing. Love and joy and happiness and hunger and passion and anger and sadness and sorrow. Even in the most casual of situations, my heart feels the joy, the peace and the simplicity.

My heart comes alive when I touch people. I hurt and cry for people. I rise up in anger to defend them. I accept their passion and joy and return it in full force with passion and joy of my own.

Should I wish that my heart had manual controls rather than automatic?

Should I wish that I could command its opening and closing with a simple instruction?

Should I wish to wear a callous indifference?

Would I be happier then or would I only be hiding an infinite sadness?

It is with monstrous joy that I accept being who I am.

I must keep my heart involved in all things.
 - Deb Parker

quotes

Here are some more of my favorite quotes.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
- Rita Mae Brown

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Redd Foxx

He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.
- Douglas Adams

It's hard to remember that the original objective was to drain the swamp, when you're up to your ass in alligators.
- Source unknown

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."
- Erma Bombeck

As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.
- Mel Brooks

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
- Erma Bombeck

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
- Douglas Adams

Just remember. Always pillage before you burn!

move me

You want to give me freedom and security.
You say I move you.
So move me.
Make me believe.
 - Deb Parker

resurfacing

I showed up where I was today...

and wondered where I've been.

 - Deb Parker

All that you touch

You change.

All that you Change

Changes you.

The only lasting truth

Is Change.

God Is Change.

- Octavia Butler

in the city

The people I saw today...

There was an older man sitting on the sidewalk, one knee up with an elbow braced on it, cane on the ground next to him, rakish hat pulled low over one brow, gesturing and having a perfectly rational conversation with a bush. I can't be sure but I think the bush was looking sort of... attentive.

Then there was a younger man, stretched out in winter clothes, dreams putting a smile on his face, sleeping blissfully on a median in the middle of a busy street.

In the discount store I went to, a perfectly nice, slightly paunchy, balding middle aged man browsed, calmly picking things up, holding them to his chest and putting them back. He moved aside when I reached for a bra in front of him and smiled. We were looking at lingerie. I was going for the white cotton practical and his tastes ran to the lacy and bright colored. We shopped companionably for a few minutes, I smiled and went on my way.

In the grocery store, a young girl with multi-colored hair gave absolute hell to a young boy full of tattoos and metal and leather. He did a continuous series of nods and shrugs that eventually placated her and he smiled sheepishly at me as I passed by.

As I walked in the park this evening, a wedding was going on at the garden center, a music festival at the outdoor theatre was providing background music that just barely caused a culture clash if you listened to one and watched the other. People were scooping up after their pets and walking on with little doggie packets all neatly wrapped. Little kids were running around loose and free and full of laughter.

I love life in the city.
 - Deb Parker

epitaph

"She learned to be gentle."
That's what she wanted it to say.
She expected that to tell her whole life story.
To any casual passers-by.

"She learned to be gentle."
Though she was born fierce,
Though she was taught rage,
It took all her strength to learn to be gentle.
 - Deb Parker

different

"In the cathedral in Florence, there's a beautiful clock designed by Paolo Uccello in 1443. Now, the curious thing about this clock is that, although it keeps time like all other clocks, its hands go in the opposite direction to that of normal clocks... When he made this clock, Paolo Uccello was not trying to be original: The fact is that, at the time, there were clocks like his as well as others with hands that went in the direction we're familiar with now. For some unknown reason, perhaps because the duke had a clock with hands that went in the direction we now think of as the "right" direction, that became the only direction, and Uccello's clock then seemed an aberration, a madness.

So, let's turn to your illness: Each human being is unique, each with their own qualities, instincts, forms of pleasure, and desire for adventure. However, society always imposes on us a collective way of behaving, and people never stop to wonder why they should behave like that. Have you ever met anyone in your entire life who asked why the hands of a clock should go in one particular direction and not in the other?"

"No."

"If someone were to ask, the response they'd get would probably be: 'You're crazy.' If they persisted, people would try to come up with a reason, but they'd soon change the subject, because there isn't a reason apart from the one I've just given you. So to go back to your question. What was it again?"

"Am I cured?"

"No. You're someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that, in my view, is a serious illness."

"Is wanting to be different a serious illness?"

"It is if you force yourself to be the same as everyone else. It causes neuroses, psychoses, and paranoia. It's a distortion of nature, it goes against God's laws, for in all the world's wood and forests, he did not create a single leaf the same as another. But you think it's insane to be different, and that's why you chose to live in [this asylum], because everyone is different here, and so you appear to be the same as everyone else. Do you understand?

People go against nature because they lack the courage to be different, and then the organism starts to produce Vitriol, or bitterness, as this poison is more commonly known."
 - Paulo Coelho, Veronica Decides to Die

jump

I was on the concrete edge of something, high enough that I couldn't see the ground. I was holding onto a curved metal railing for dear life. A faceless man was there beside me. I stepped off the ledge and screamed for him to help me. He reached out and pulled me back. My feet were on the concrete but I was still on the outside of the railing. Somehow, I knew I was jumping off this ledge for the first time. I knew I would do it many more times before I was done. I knew it would get easier with experience, but I just had to take this first jump.

He knew I was scared and he was patient but firm. I had to do it. I didn't want to disappoint him. I asked him how I was supposed to keep from breaking all my bones if I jumped with no parachute. He used some unknown word for what would keep me whole, and then turned around, instead of watching what I would do or trying to force me.

I let go. I watched my legs untangle from the bar of the railing and just leaned back, trusting that I would make it to the ground without hurting myself. Or, at least, without hurting myself too much. For the first time in my life, falling was not a plunging terrifying feeling. I was falling, but I was not afraid. The wind rushed past. I looked around as I fell. After a little while, I kicked my feet and found the ground solid beneath me. I looked up at the sky and saw a parachute floating down around me. The parachute was there all along. I just didn't know it when I jumped. I had taken a giant leap of faith. I woke up smiling.

This is what I dreamed last night. Wow. I love it when I have vivid powerful dreams. I'm not talking about when you dream of wearing no clothes to the market. Or forgetting to study for the most important exam in school. I'm talking about the ones that talk to you. The ones that shout. The ones that cross that border between nonsense and clarity and leave you breathless.

This dream was so great. I was a little scared, but I went ahead and did what I needed to do. What I knew I should do. It would seem that I am less afraid of venturing out of my cave than I was last year. Or that I have more faith. I am stepping off into a new direction right now and, deep down, where dreams live, I know I will be okay.

life

Anything that happens, happens.

Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen.

Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again.

It doesn't necessarily do it in chronological order, though.

___________________________________________

One of the extraordinary things about life is the sort of places it's prepared to put up with living. Anywhere it can get some kind of a grip, whether it's the seas of Santraginus V, where the fish never seem to care whatever the heck kind of direction they swim in, the fire storms of Frastra, where, they say, life begins at 40,000 degrees, or just burrowing around in the lower intestine of a rat for the sheer unadulterated hell of it, life will always find a way of hanging on in somewhere.

from Mostly Harmless
by Douglas Adams

piecemeal

I can not explain... what it is like to look in a mirror and not recognize the face inside it. How there are some days I wake up and it takes everything inside me to put on a mask and walk through my life like someone else. I have sat... digging my nails into the skin of my palm, because if I bleed, then I must be real.

After so many years of being dismissed, it is easy to believe the world would be better off without me in it. [They say] it's because of my condition, chemicals in my body and brain blown out of proportion, but I know better. I have never fit into... this skin. I am the child who was picked last to play tag; I am the girl who laughed although she didn't get the joke; I am the piecemeal part of you that you pretend does not exist, except it is all I am, all of the time.

from Second Glance
by Jodi Picoult

the grown-up

He stood at the counter, shuffling back and forth, his back to the rest of the line. His tall lanky form looked stretched from a recent growth spurt. He may have been all of fifteen. He had a mop of unruly brown hair straying down into the collar of a nice blue shirt; half tucked in, half pulled out. There was a belt riding somewhere around his waist. It was hard to tell. You know how kids are these days. There could have been a full foot of space between his belt and his waist. His jeans hung in the proper slouch position with a bit of his boxers showing where the shirt allowed.

He shifted nervously and tapped his foot on the worn tile floor in an involuntary beat of impatience. His head tilted a little from side to side, shoulders coming up to meet it, as if he was trying on the expression and pose he was using for the importance of today's task. The lady behind the post office counter asked him all the standard questions about the package. She smiled and explained what each term meant. He shrugged his shoulders and let her lead the discussion. I kept hearing his half-deep, half-squeaky voice, "Yes, ma'am. I guess. Whatever you think. I don't really know."

As she rang up his charges, he held up his jeans with one hand while he dug in his back pocket for his wallet. He pulled a single crisp twenty out with a flourish and handed the bill to the lady, as if he had many twenties to spend. She counted change into his upturned hand. Even if he wanted to, he didn't crumble up the money and shove it down in his front pocket. He tucked the bills back into his wallet and gathered his jeans to shove the wallet back in.

When he got his receipt, he turned to all of us in line behind him with a triumphant smile. And then, as if remembering he was supposed to be an old hand at this, he turned a little pink, looked down at the floor and hurried out.

Do you remember how important you felt when you did even the simplest things for the first time? Do you remember what it felt like to want every adult in the room to think you knew what you were doing? Do you remember your bright-eyed innocent envy of every thing that adults did, thinking it must all be so incredibly important?

Don't worry kid. I sometimes still worry that the adults in the room think I don't know what I'm doing.

Then I remember I am an adult now.

Then I envy you.

world of perfection

"What good is your reality, when justice fails and dishonesty is glossed over and the ones who keep faith suffer..." [Deborah asked.]

"Look here..." Furii said, "I never promised you a rose garden. I never promised you perfect justice... and I never promised you peace or happiness. My help is so that you can be free to fight for all these things. The only reality I offer is challenge, and being well is being free to accept it or not at whatever level you are capable. I never promise lies, and the rose-garden world of perfection is a lie... and a bore, too!"

from I Never Promised You a Rose Garden
by Joanne Greenberg

broken

Frio River
Concan, Texas

little house

Highway 75, (north of) Leona, Texas

service

Madisonville, Texas

big thicket

Cleveland, Texas

gone fishin'

Galveston, Texas

rice silo

Dayton, Texas

the flock

thoughts for the day

There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.
Christopher Morley

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.
Douglas Adams

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
Dorothy Parker

same concrete steps, different day

We had quite a few storms this week. Once things started clearing up, I headed to my favorite spot on the concrete steps to see how the world looked. I stayed until my butt was numb.

It was the ultimate in 3-D movies with surround sound.

I felt like I was watching a major cinematic event!

road trip

Ellinger, Texas

wouldn't you like to be with me...

when I leave work, grab my camera, and race the sunset to the Galveston shore?

despair and other funny things

Gloom, despair, and agony on me. (oohh!)
Deep dark depression, excessive misery. (aohh!)
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. (Oooh!)
Gloom, despair, and agony on me.

This verse had a regular spot on an old show named Hee Haw. (If you're too young to remember Hee Haw think corny country family version of Saturday Night Live, only no dirty jokes and only faintly suggestive leering at the pretty girls behind the cornstalks.) The funniest skits in the whole show were about hard luck cases who just couldn't seem to get a break. If you ask me, self-induced misery is incredibly funny.

Have you ever met one of those kinds of people who think life is just the most horrible thing they can imagine? Nothing goes right for them. Every day is a drudgery that they hate to contemplate. They are either sick or being mistreated in some way, every day, all the time, without fail. They look for the bad in every situation and expect for things to go wrong before they even attempt them.

They are happiest, let that word sink in... happiest, when they are unhappy.

These people confuse me. Who, in their right mind, would want to wake up every day and be cranky? Goodness, that takes a lot of energy. It is insulting to even suggest to them that they enjoy their unhappiness. I just wish they knew that they do not have to be in pain in order for people to pay attention to them. That's the key, isn't it? Attention.

I need attention too. I like mine better though, when it comes from people enjoying my company or something I've written or a joke that I told. Call me crazy, but I would just as soon not have people know when I'm hurt or sick.

Get it through your heads you whiny contrary bunch! People pay attention to you when you're constantly sick or you've been hurt over and over because they feel sorry for you and they feel obligated. It's not because they like you. You are a chore. You are a burden.

If your life isn't what you want it to be, DO SOMETHING! You are the only one who can.

Start over every day when you wake up.
Change something and watch the world NOT end.

I love you the most

My niece and I play this game with each other. We try to outdo each other saying 'I love you the most.' We have been playing it since she was four. That was about when 'the claw' could come out of Aunt Debbie's hand and eat the baby's belly. And that bad old claw would tickle and tickle until she begged it to stop. The way she giggled when she was little soothed me. The joy on her face was pure bliss.

We took a long trip one time, just her and me. We sang "You are My Sunshine" and laughed and talked the whole trip away. She learned that 'we're on the big roads' meant to be quiet for a little while. She was such a little chatterbox.

I used to look at her all gruff and serious and threaten to put a brick on her head so she would stop growing. If I had to discipline her, I would tell her that I was going to 'pull her ears off and break her in half,' in a mock serious tone. She would stop the bad behavior and try not to laugh. That time with her as a little girl was so precious.

As she grew up, we still played the game with each other. She wasn't geographically close to me anymore but she is so deep in my heart that we may as well be living together. We got very inventive with the game, hanging up the phone with the last one who said 'I love you the most' being the winner for the day. It was never insulting to get hung up on. It was fun. It was familiar. It was comforting.

It was so cool to be the Aunt Debbie. It still is.

What great memories I'm having today. I guess you're supposed to think about love on Valentine's Day.

Hey Jess! I love you the most!

soul mates

I was performing the mundane task of getting my truck washed yesterday when a really interesting topic presented itself. I was browsing the knick knacks and cards and cutsie things in the cashier's area when my eye fell on a card that stopped me and sent me off into one of my rant modes. It said, "You are my Soul Mate!" What an interesting and flawed concept that is.

Although I do believe in love, I can not, in all good conscience, ever use the phrase soul mate with any sincerity. I don't believe such a thing exists.

It is true that we can find a person who is well matched to us, intellectually, emotionally, and physically. It is also true that we can become convinced that we were meant to find that person. But that person, as far as I can see right now, is only one of many potential matches for us.

Soul mate implies we are only meant to truly connect with one person in our lifetime. It implies that we are only really matched with one other person of the billions of people who exist. I just can't wrap my mind around that. Now don't think I have a negative view of love. I don't. In fact, I believe love is a much easier feeling than most people give it credit for.

I believe we are meant to love at every opportunity. I believe that love can be either all consuming or a pleasant sideline to the rest of our life. I believe love can come in a rush that flattens the couple in it's path, no matter who tells me that first fiery rush really isn't love. I believe love can also be a slow building of emotion, that is peaceful and calm. I believe that love can end, but still have been as real as it was in the throes of passion.

It has been a long time since I've been in love. Years. I do remember, though, how much fun it is to find someone who is a match for me... for a while.

apathy

ap·a·thy
n. Lack of interest or concern, especially regarding matters of general importance or appeal; indifference.
Lack of emotion or feeling; impassiveness.
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Apathy holds me in a death grip at times. It is a thief. It steals days, weeks, months. It is my enemy. It is seductive and wily and sly. It is a drug. I crave it and go through my days as if it's my only friend. It is a monster. It has teeth and claws and eats my life.

Once in a while I realize I have been lulled. It has me and I am heart-broken at the time I've wasted. There is so much to do. There is so much to learn. There are so many adventures to go on. So many challenges to face and conquer.

Fight the nothing. The nothing is so powerful that it doesn't have to do anything. It just is.

Gray, thick, and oppressive.

Passion. Conquering hero.

Go out and find it and grab it and when you've used that passion up, go out and find more.

There is so much out there.